I want to wake up from this nightmare

I want to wake up to a loving husband who takes me in his arms and holds me.  Who holds my hand as we walk through the park watching our children play. I want to be able to think of an upcoming occasion and not break down in uncontrollable tears. I think of my future and it’s black, it’s bare, I see only shadows and darkness and I wonder If I will even be there to see my children grow up. 

I don’t feel like ending things right now but I consider the issues I’m going to have to deal with in the near future and I genuinely wonder if I will be able to get through them without giving in to the darkness of deep depression, to the point where I see no light at all and really believe that everyone I love will be better off without me. 

The thing that has stopped me when I have sunk to those depths in the past is the pain that I know it would cause my children. But it I feel that I am causing them pain anyway, will that be enough anymore? 

I hope so, I really do.  

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