We need to talk

We need to talk. We need to discuss how things are going to work. We need to be practical and put our children first. But what I really want to do is beg you to love me again, plead with you to give me one more chance. We’ve not tried hard enough to make this work, not just for us but for these incredible children we have together. For the future we were planning for us, for them, for us as a family unit. For our dreams and our hopes. The holidays we would save for, the adventures we would go on together, the achievements we would celebrate. In my mind I had all these things planned out and now with one fell swoop they have been cut down. Destroyed before they can even begin, almost like a death. 

We need to talk about the way things are going to work in practical terms. Where will we live? How will the children spend their time? What will we do financially? We currently have a ‘family pot’ all money goes together and we all spend what we need. How will that work going forward? I don’t even know if I can keep my job, the hours I work just wouldn’t fit in with being a single parent. Can we continue to live together as a family and not be in a relationship? I want this to work. To have the least impact on our children, but I honestly don’t know if it can. 

Am I always going to want you to love me? Is having you here going to be more lonely than not? But if you are here, then our children will be, all of the time. Neither of us will be apart from them. Missing them as if parts of our very being had been ripped out. Albeit temporarily, but regularly. Knowing that the time we have with them will be followed by time away. Constantly, never ending. Just thinking about it gives me heart palpitations. It is not a future I can see working for any of us. 
When I think about that then I do think that  we can do it, we can live together as a family without a relationship between you and I. It will be the hardest thing I have ever done, I will cry. My heart will ache with loneliness, with rejection, but I must be strong. I must think practically. 

You say you will try it, give it a month. That means that our future must go on hold. No plans, no thoughts or dreams outside of that time. I live my life in thoughts and dreams of the future, in planning, it’s how I get through the day to day. That will need to change, I must find another way of coping, of surviving. Because I have no choice. I can no longer look for my happiness in a future of you and I growing old together, travelling the world when our children are grown, holding hands while we proudly watch them graduate or say their wedding vows, playing with our grandchildren in a garden full of joy and giggles. 

We need to talk. 

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